15 Years Ago

I needed to take a moment- although I have basically given up on the blog thing lately- to pay tribute to my amazing Mom this month. It's almost as though the world has found a way to commercialize breast cancer. In some ways I'm thankful that awareness has grown. In other ways I'm appalled to see "Save the ta ta's!" in bright pink on a high school boys car. It makes it seem almost a joke or makes light of a situation that is not at all light.

I still remember the exact moment that my Mom and Dad sat us down in our living room in Anderson, CA to tell us. I was 16. I remember my Mom being very upset for a few days beforehand and my Dad flying home early from a business trip. I remember they told us that Mom would have to start chemotherapy right away because the lump was large and they were afraid the cancer might have begun to spread. They thought if they did the chemo first it might help fight the spreading cancer. I remember they told us that they didn't want anything in our lives to change. They didn't want me to quit track or cross country. We would still go to mutual. We still had to do chores- more chores actually. It was August- right at the beginning of the school year. My baby sister Michelle started kindergarten that year. My Mom was primary president. They released her. I remember telling my track coaches and friends at school- they were horrified. I was numb.

I stood in the bathroom and watched my Mom's hair fall out as she combed it. It was a black brush with red bristles. I watched her get thinner and thinner. I remember meal after meal brought in to our home by amazing ladies in our ward. I came home more then once to my Mom's friends doing our laundry. My Mom had always wanted to make a quilt. She began the process-and was soon too weak. Her friends finished the quilt for her. I remember the first time they spread it out over her in my parents bedroom. Our family will cherish that quilt forever. I remember that my Dad bought a love-seat size sofa- with a bed-so that he could sleep near her but not bother her with tossing and turning.

I remember the first time she had to stay home from church because the doctors were worried that her immune system was too weak from the chemo to fight off even a common cold. She was bald by then and didn't like to wear the scratchy wig. I remember worrying about her that day.

I remember my grandma coming to stay for a month when my Mom had surgery. I remember she was in surgery for 15+ hours. My Grandma fainted when she went to see my Mom-the nurses made her go down to the er. My Dad made us kids wait a couple days- I blacked out when I first saw her so small and frail in the hospital bed. My Dad shoved me down on the floor and stuck my head between my knees because he didn't want to make another er trip.

My Mom was 5 years older then I am now.

Perspective.

She had birthed and nursed and raised 5 beautiful children. She quietly stood by as my Dad was called into the bishopbric the first year of their marriage- as bishop when he was 29 and Jamie was two weeks old- into the Stake Presidecy immediately afterwards. She worked out- ate a very healthy diet. She read her scriptures and prayed. She reared her children in the gospel. She did not question this disease hitting her- it did not break her stride as she moved forward with faith and determination. I only have a small perspective now, because I am a mother, of the emotions and thoughts that must have been plowing through her head. Her children- her husband...

She won! We won!!

Gratitude.

I am grateful to the doctors, nurses, surgeons, family, neighbors, strangers, friends, ward family...who saw my Dad, Eric, Jamie, Lisa, Michelle and I through this trying time. It is impossible to imagine the last 15 years of my life without my Mom. She is my rock. She is who I call for a sound ear an open heart a quiet word. She has given each of my babies their first bath. She is Emma's best friend. She has steered me through my own messes and helped me to see that lessons can be learned in all situations. We are, as a family, what same may think of as wierdly close. I can see wierd things about our family that people on the outside may not understand completely- but I also know the behind-the-scences view. We are desperately grateful to still have what I can justly call an mother angel among us to lead us and guide us.

So while it is important to "Save those ta-ta's!"---in the end what we are saving is the grace, compassion, charity, and love that can only be found in the bosom and heart of a woman.



OK- apparently I need to be better at taking pictures of my Mom...I am in pathetic short supply.